"It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent."- Madeleine Albright
Most people acquainted with my unique version of crazy are not surprised by my chaotic menu of daily activities. So, admittedly, it is hard for me to ever picture myself having my one "thing".
I would say there are a multitude of things where I have basically just dipped my toe in the water, maybe even a whole foot, who knows? None of these things have really yet brought me to a full plunge. If I am being totally honest, it is really not my short attention span holding me back (though that certainly is part of it), it is the fear of failure.
Throughout my life I have forced myself to the edge of my comfort zone. I try new things constantly, meet new people, jump off of things, take risks (sometimes a little too much), have traveled as much as life will allow, and put my heart out on the line more times than I can count--though, I am no braver, crazier, smarter, or stronger than anyone else.
I have just forced myself despite that gut-wrenching fear in the pit of my stomach to that edge anyway.
I mean, hell. At any point in time you might find me drumming, dancing, cheerleading, singing, performing, cliff-jumping, falling in love, traveling solo, writing poetry, and maybe a few other things I won't list here to keep it PG.
So I want to basically push the envelop again. I think by writing things down we begin to hold ourselves accountable. I want to push myself even deeper into my own fear. Actually coming full circle to a place where I really began to let go of my fear. I want to challenge myself to sing again, not sure in what capacity, or in what venue, but I know I need to.
Those who know me now would likely be in shock if I told them for half of my life I was painfully shy. At one time, I probably would have actually rather gotten my teeth pulled than speak my mind. Sticking up for myself just wasn't a thing, I basically spoke when spoken to (True story, I swear!).
I have had some pretty life-changing teachers in my life that saw me for all that I could be, and pushed me even further. One I am thinking of in particular was my choir teacher in high school. She is someone I will never forget, she pushed me--though maybe against my will haha, out of my comfort zone, really for the first time. She dragged me to where she knew I could go. She knew how much I loved singing and how badly I wanted to perform, but she also felt my crippling fear and doubt in myself.
She encouraged me to try out for solos, but the turning point was really when she essentially tricked me into trying out for the lead in our school play. I am not even sure she knows how monumental that really was.
Of course a totally mediocre school play, but that is not what was significant about the whole thing. She believed in me more than even I believed in myself. At the end of the day, a play happened, I got on stage and no one died, I was not so sure that would have been the outcome back then.
It brings me to a place of such gratitude to have been blessed with so many wonderful teachers. Not even teachers in the traditional sense, teachers can come to us in many ways throughout our life, we have to listen. Many of my teachers have dropped in and out of my life but their lessons have truly touched me, changed me. Teachers should also totally get paid more, just saying.
So if you don't hear about me singing again in some capacity in the near future, totally call me out. It is something that scares me, but there is just something that tells me I need to do it anyway.
We exist, in our entirety,
as a compilation of all there is,
of all that has ever touched us.
A wave sourced from the whole,
but distilled down to just a small part.
Like a thought that arises from our consciousness
and escapes our lips.
Experienced as the feeling of a wave
washing over bare feet
walking across the shore.
Footprints left behind
fading among the sand.
Though the energy left behind does not disappear,
it merely changes form.