I am a lover, a hopeless romantic, an idealist, optimist, bleeding heart, empath-- these adjectives are my gifts but also a curse. I often times can see beyond what someone's actions or words may reveal. I see their light. This image deepens as I grow closer to people. Many may think because I basically am incapable of a substance-less conversation that I am on this level with many--the truth is I do go deep, I challenge others to talk about what they don't want to talk about. I want to explore who they are, learn from their pain and suffering, their gifts, help people see things from a different perspective. Going deep in this way allows for growth, it is where we build strength. How easy it is to drive to work everyday, get pissed off in traffic, stare at a ticking clock until we can turn off our minds in front of a pixelated box? What's really difficult is to look inward.
Some people have told me they love being around me because I make them feel good, light, and loved (some people have also told me quite the opposite). I think this is because when we meet people with authenticity we create a space for them to do the same. I try and make people feel as though this light that I see is attainable. I see the light in people and I try to show it to them. I see beauty in them they may have never known existed..
The problem is that this light is not necessarily a reality. There is always a gap. The space between this light and their current place in their journey. It is this gap that kills me. This gap eats away at me. I see where people are--and where they could be. Are we ever "there?" I am not sure, I am far from it myself. I know it exists and everyday I work to close this gap, that is the beauty in our personal journeys. It is the people who have this beautiful light and literally do no work to uncover it that I can't help but allow to hurt me.
I have hope where maybe others wouldn't. I talk to homeless people, I talk to crazy drunk women at the bar who tell me their life story, I talk to mentally ill on the train uncovering their delusions and I exist within their reality to bring them comfort, I listen to friends complaints when they wouldn't give me the time of day or answer the phone when I need it, I do favors while mine are left unattended-- Where do we draw the line? When am I dishonoring myself, my time, my life? I am in the constant practice of letting go. I cannot live in a space of flux but am simultaneously living chaotically.
To all the givers in the world give as much as you can but do not give away your foundation, because our hearts are huge, they have so much to give but foundation is a lot more work to rebuild. Give to those who honor your gifts and want nothing but to return them with their whole heart.
People can only meet you at their capacity, not at your expectation. So myself, and all the givers in this world must learn to let go of potential and accept reality or we will destroy ourselves. It is beautiful that we can see the light in others but we cannot pour ourselves into this potential when we have not taken a second to see the reality. Often this person is not at a point in their journey where they are ready to do the work, or even know how.
It is this difference of showing people the way and trying to drag them there. Have I known this for years? Yes, do I still allow myself to fall into this trap? We all want to believe that we are different, that we will be the amazing person that saves whoever it is. No one can save anyone, they can only support someone else to do this work themselves. The person needs to be ready and willing..
With that I put out the intention of allowing myself to let go before I have reached this point. As I get older the time it takes for me to realize this becomes shorter and shorter, someday I will learn to walk down a different street altogether. I hope all the other givers out there do as well. The world needs us, we must stop destroying ourselves and preserve our energy for those who are ready to receive it.